If we observe, we will notice that quite often when we are sharing something with someone, we will hear an advice about what we should do, even when we don’t ask for it.
And the other way around is also usually true: when someone is sharing something with us, we might notice that while the other person is talking our mind is making opinions about what we hear, and we are eager to share it out loud as soon as we can.
This is an automatic and conditioned habit from human mind. In other words: we often do it without thinking that we are doing it.
Today I am going to go through 7 insights into why we could refrain from doing it.
1) When we give unsolicited advice we are assuming that we know what is best for the other person and to his/her situation
It is important to avoid the trap of assuming we have the answers. When giving advice without being asked, we are assuming that our solutions are better than the ones that the other person can come up with.
2) We assume the situation from the other person is not good enough
If it was good enough, why would we recommend them to change it?
And usually the challenges we go through are very important to be felt and accepted as they are. Acceptance is what allows us to transcend a situation. If we are too quick in running away from discomfort, we might ignore a great opportunity of growth.
3) The other person is usually not ready to receive advice
One of our intentions when we are giving advise without being asked is because we want to help the other person. The thing is: by doing that, we usually cause the opposite effect. The other person is most likely in a vulnerable position and that is why he/she feels the need to share. They are probably not taking the advise. Even if they can consciously agree that it is a good idea, but at the moment they are sharing their need is to be heard and not to be told what to do.
4) The power of humility comes from recognizing that “we don’t know”
This is a spiritual perspective: for us to grow spiritually it is necessary to surrender to a higher power (you can call it God, Universe, divinity). I like to call it Self with capital letter. Or consciousness. The mind in us is the process of the ego. And the ego assumes that it knows things. But the view of the mind is always limited to one single point of view. Therefore it can never see the totality. When we recognize that we don’t know and we are open to learn, we create space for consciousness to act through us. We become a vehicle for divine light. And any action that is needed will unfold spontaneously.
5) Deep listening is often the most effective way to help
When we are fully present and deep listening to someone, we open a door to the heart. It is like entering in a space where love is ever-present. Deep listening is listening with our whole being. It is like hugging the other person in a way that makes them feel they are not alone.
6) Coaching as a tool for self-awareness
One of the beauties of a coaching process is that the base of coaching is not giving advice. It is a space where a person is guided to go inwards. When the clients get to know themselves on a deeper level, they can see and accept more clearly where they are and what they want. This broader perspective allows them to come up with new solutions and to make different choices.
7) When people ask for advice they are more prepared to receive it
When another person clearly asks for advice, it is a different story. She/he will probably be with an open attitude and ready to listen to what you have to say. It doesn’t mean she/he will take your advice, but he/she will most likely take it into consideration before making a decision.
I would like to finish with the following quote: “Knowledge is having the information; wisdom is knowing when and how to use information.”